Hope and Belief

I had moved from her room and was now leaning up against the door way. From where I stood I could see just the bottom half of her watching her briefly before I returned to the nurses station. She had been brought to us from another hospital; pyschotic and fragile, and wanting to end her life and had now fallen asleep. The hallway that I was also monitoring was unusually quiet with patients either in their rooms or in the group that had just begun at the other end of the hall. I gazed down that hall at the closed doors and reflected on how that room and these halls took on different meaning than they had only a short few years ago.

I don't remember getting on or off the elevator when I would come to visit as I do now. I don't remember the nurses or even the nurses station that I would pass by. I don't remember much of anything other than having a feeling of hopelessness - but also a strong feeling of needing to believe. I do remember that. I sense those feelings too in many of the family and friends that climb off that elevator, as I had done countless of times. Today those doors and this hallway take on new meaning. I am on the other side I think to myself. Everytime that elevator door closes behind me I smile inwordly thinking of Jordan still sleeping, this time peacefully at home. I think of how knowing "hopelessness" has taught me. And "believing" is what carried me through. I look back once more before walking away and I think of her and all the others, if they cannot for themselves, then someone must have hope and belief.

"Every color of life is equally beautiful and to be equally enjoyed.

New Meaning

Wow, has it really been six months since my last entry! Even though I have thoughts (many thoughts) "oh I must blog" they never seem to get out of my head and onto this space. Partly because my time has been occupied with the day to day of managing life and routines with my youngest son and also partly wanting to write more than about battles and struggles that have become a part of my life.

I always look at the name of this blog "Every Color of Life" and reflect on it's meaning. Up to this point, it's focus has been about my youngest son and struggles with his condition. I do not have many entries, as I always struggled as how to share and what to share. I found that taking emails that I had already spent so much time in writing was the most easiest way to begin. These at least peeked into my- and - our- life until I really figured out what I wanted for this blog. I realize now that I want more for Every Color of Life, more than just one focus, after all I do call it "Every Color" and there are many colors to share.

Years ago my life crossed with another. A man who I fell in love with and who changed my life. Not because of things he did for me, but because of sharing life with me in a way that I had never experienced. He would hold me and tell me beautiful stories of life and philosophy. I thrived with his conversations and his deep understanding and views of life. Although I would only have this person in my life for one year it would be one that would mark a beginning of new life in me. He would talk to me about my life and explain that we should have no regrets, that every color is equally beautiful and to be equally enjoyed. This was so hard for me to understand as life thus far had been really really hard. Over time I was able to take on it's meaning and how hurt, pain, and failure, although not pleasant, are all experiences that we can benefit from. We benefit from them when we have no regrets. Right now that is what I am working on. I have come up against this feeling "again" and want to make this feeling a stepping stone to a deeper understanding of life as it is now.

To do this Every Color of Life will concentrate her writings on life and what she has learned along the way. I will continue to share my Jordan and his story - our story, but there will be branches to this with many colors to share along the way.

Until then....every color is equally beautiful and to be equally enjoyed.